COMPRESSOR – MY RELATIONSHIP IS IN DOUBT

The fundamental challenge that I face, as I sit after half a bottle of Rioja two small packets of crisps and a Cadbury’s Flake, is that software, like COMPRESSOR from Apple (which I am trying to use) require me to learn it to use it. WRONG. I want you, the software to not have me ‘Hunt the thimble’ or find the “Needle in the haystack” as you demand I create the right setting. No. I want you, my service provider (?) to give me options and guide me through. I want you to do this be I a beginner or a pro user.

You sit there smug; because you know you can do it, and silent. SMUG and complacent. Your marketing people have told me what you can do. I believe them and the pretty pictures and stories of freedom and productivity enabling art to be unleashed and, in that space I believe in you.

What they didn’t say was that “I need to take the time to learn about you, appreciate the design and technical features you have and understand how you work and how wonderful you are” –  ‘BEFORE YOU WILL LET ME USE YOU!”

“Read the Help Menu. Read and learn about me, I am so clever and powerful, I can do so many things.” Appreciate those that create me , they are so clever look how they made this and that happen aren’t they brilliant?” A techie program for techies…

Ok Ok but when you do your – “I’m not going any further until you push the right button and you have to find which one.” And you don’t tell me the right button. This is my world. I am upset, bereft, alone and having to find a way forward. You are being cruel, aloof, controlling and after a while…whilst I want to love you and believe in you and for us to be forever working together you are – killing me.. at best infuriating, at worst the stop to my freedom, my jailer. You are binary, a Yes or No, On or Off, nought or one construction. You do not have emotion. How then can you can prove to be such a drain on my life and energy?

I imagine you saying “The people who designed me are so clever and smug as they know what I can do.” That’s not you speaking that’s them…  You know what, you play hard to get and quite frankly I get to the point where…. and this may sound harsh…. I I can’t be arsed. I have paid good money to get a solution. i did not think that I had bought an ego boosting “Hunt the solution’ experience.

I am the customer, help me solve the problem. If you do not I will have to write off my investment and look elsewhere. Why? Because people to help me use you cost £1,000 a day. Why? Because they have read the manual and are symbiotic to ‘Your Masters’ the people who made you, the structured non creative folk who like order and maths not pictures and art! Jobs for the boys – not for brilliant creative, artistic free individuals no, those that know which nought and one works. But you are there to enable art? Or maybe I am wrong…. I will not be in your grasp or ensnared by your net. I will break free. Perhaps with low resolution iMovie… well at least I can get output!

My problem… the one that prompted my rant? Vado video ingest. Should just work but no you thwart me. No target selected! What the heck is a target? Why do I need one? Why are you introducing a whole new “Clever jargon’ around this?” That you are so clever to know! Just flipping well translate my video so I can edit it. I can see it for goodness sake in the preview monitor. Oh how you taunt and tempt me with what’s possible.

So I learn about “Targets” as you define them from your documentation and enter them. You could have given me options but no I must go and learn and then… you do not let the SUBMIT button show for me….. !!!!! Why not…..

Why? Why oh why? What have I done to offend you? I did what you asked. You sit cold and aloof, not giving an inkling as to what I should do. Luckily for you in my state of relaxed red wineness I am able to witter away writing. But how many execs question the efficacy of spending thousands training contract staff to understand your idiosyncrasies that give “Those that know” power and financial leverage?

What you do not realise, in your hauteur, is that people like me loose interest. You do not care. You do not suggest anything. I am at a dead end until I call Customer Support – that I cannot find the number for on Apple’s website! Time is money – your’s is running out. `the market says it costs this much to learn and use you. I want a quicker better way. I do not have the time to play your silly games nor the money to loose the opportunities I could be seeing.

You are playing a dangerous game ‘Miss Professional Application.’ Time really is money and you are draining mine. I have high hopes for our relationship but if you have me scouring the net for “People who have had the same problem as you have looked here.” You will find that when another comes along who gives me solutions, who guides me by the hand and takes me to a satisfactory – nay, in this instance, orgasmic realisation of codec translation. They will have my allegiance and my money forever.

You play a dangerous game you ‘PRO APPS’ unless you become a help not a ‘have to learn experience’ to the likes of me. You will become extinct a la dinosaurs. Listen well….

Apple hierarchy, your computers give me solutions. Your pro apps give me problems to solve. You have a dichotomy here. As a certain Steve on Medical leave would say (I imagine) – solve it! Make the apps serve the customer not the customer serve the apps.

Enough….

RANT OVER – RESUME TOMORROW…

This should be on a “We are pleased to receive your feedback” form but do not expect any acknowledgement.

Christiane just came in and suggested she take a video of me banging my head against the keyboard! She did suggest some solutions, how very boyish… all of which came to nought. All this started because Final Cut Pro said it would take six hours to render the clips. Almost five hours ago! Maybe I should have just said yes….  Maybe I upset Compressor? Maybe I am going slightly mad!!!!

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