MARRIAGE, LIFE & DEATH

It’s 5.30 am. It’s going to be a hot day, blue sky and a gentle breeze on the water by the Marina boats I watch. Soon my son will awaken. Normally 6.15 for his time with me and ‘Cars’ the movie – which we love and then probably Octonaunts on the iPlayer – we know them all. Coffee for my lovely Christiane later and then she takes over with him for the rest of the day.

I was struck and affected deeply by a story I heard at church on Sunday and in this quiet space I’ll note it. A lady vicar was speaking. She told of a Lawyer lady who had done a presentation to a group of woman last weekend.  She had explained what she sees in the courts every day, from this she had formed an opinion that our Society was breaking down. The two main causes she believed for this being: (1) the lack of commitment of one person to another in marriage and (2) the abortion of children as they would be an inconvenience to their parents. This remains with me.

I have been very protected in my life. Many a time I could have found myself with a child, by action rather than by choice or design. But somehow and, thank you God and girls involved it didn’t happen. I eventually found a girl who I knew I could be ‘a great team’ with and I knew ‘we would always have something to say,’ It took me ten years to woo her because it took that long for me to be ready to commit and ‘really’ understand what it meant. Even then she didn’t say yes and I continued relentlessly in my love. Eventually she did say yes. Today, four years in, we are blessed with a three year old little boy.

So, all those times I didn’t commit? Or half committed. And the time I did commit after knowing a girl for three weeks and married her after eight in emotional turmoil in the mid eighties! (Stayed married for twelve years – no children – a story in itself.)

So what is this marriage thing? Well, for me it was about understanding what it meant deep within and taking on board the covenant – sounds posh – that is read out at our marriage ceremony.  The…. ‘In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer,  till death us do part.’ Also knowing more of a biblical perspective on marriage and importantly me getting to the point of not needing anyone. I was OK to be alone…. Perhaps that made the space that was needed? It was about knowing more than lust as a driver. It’s about being as one with someone. A lot of thoughts on this for me.

And children – I never thought I’d be responsible enough or good enough to have them and perhaps I was too selfish? But suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world. Christiane and I were blessed with our son nine months and 25 days after our wedding! A lot of pent up emotion methinks. The joy a child can bring, the responsibility, the challenges, the love. Awesome. On Saturday I stood with other fathers watching our sons cross this rope bridge with gaps in the middle of this fantastic pirates ship in the park – all of us fathers nervous and ready to catch as our offspring fearlessly crossed, slipped, grabbed and carried on. “It’s worse for us than them.” said one father to me. All around laughingly agreed – it’s part of our job. Last time Tiger fell down onto the soft base when I wasn’t there. He’d been too quick for me. This time he was sure and caught himself as he slipped – and I was there to catch him if I was needed.

When I became a father it was a Dancing on ice day. A huge impression for me was that, as I got into the studio, from the audience – ‘father’s’ I had never met came and shock my hand and said “Well done.” They were welcoming me as one of them. They knew the joy. It was amazing for me to feel that love, and you read it right – it was the men who came forward?

Yet, silently, conveniently life is being… how do we say in hospital? Is it ‘the item’ or ‘the package’ or … any other term than ‘the baby’ is being… how to put it politely? Terminated. What is the term for stopping life? Kill, murder, crime of passion? Golly no don’t say that, you can’t say that. Yet – I have a doctor friend who says they are saving babies at a certain age and putting them in incubators as they are premature on one ward – down the end of the corridor the same age babies are… no more. Fathers denied – mothers denied…. a child not born.

We talk about democracy. We talk about giving our values to others. We condemn the practises of other religions, and some of the practises are outdated and barbaric and oppressive to women. We condemn this or that ruler for crimes against humanity. Yet, we live as a society like this? We are oppressive to women! We facilitate the – ‘It’s OK to have this easy choice, everybody does it, you can have counselling afterwards.’ But the scars are there forever, or so I have been told by female friends. It’s the elephant in the room people don’t want to speak of because, underneath the ‘it’s acceptable’ is the deep deep sadness of loss of life only a mother could feel. Who condemns our crimes against humanity? That would be God then. Or maybe a thwarted mother’s conscience inside that says – you would have been ten today?

My son is going to nursery. I see a picture of him feeding a lamb or contributing to a discussion on the emailed newsletter. I see him holding hands with a little girlfriend on the beach at the weekend and laughing and talking with her. Isn’t every life precious? Every baby a woman sees causes a coo – the hundreds of thousands of women devastated inside because a life is not there, because society says that’s OK. But inside for her it will never be OK, really, because it was life and now it isn’t.

Have you ever been in the hospital ward that deals with miscarriages? Did you know it was one in four – or so I was told. Did you know? I didn’t. I do now. Have you seen the crying women who have not carried a baby to full term? Have you heard the words of the doctor that speaks of the package (not the baby). Have you chosen to put the bits in the dustbin or have then for a burial? Happens every day. Sounds shocking but this is life, and death.

And have you heard the story of the teenage pregnancy and the young boy who is going to do the right thing by the girl and contribute to supporting it. I have, as the slightly devastated yet somehow proud father recounts his son’s choice. No marriage. There is no need for that in today’s society.

The lawyer lady said: (1) lack of commitment and (2) abortion as a convenience was creating the breakdown in our society.

So what’s to be done? What will I do?

Well, I will tell my son about honouring a girl and that his hormones will scream for fulfilment and daddy made mistakes here and there and everywhere. But I believe that, if you can hold back and find the right girl. Marry her and in so doing really commit to her knowing what that means. Then, you are building a great partnership and life for yourself and contributing to society overall. Oh yes son and ‘Pass that on to your children won’t you.’ I will also say that ‘going out together’ platonically for two years should give you enough time to fall out and get back together again, or not. Sounds like a story I heard about how the Irish have done it for years. Sounds impossible, sounds pious, old fashioned out of touch? Sounds wise to me.

I met a lady at The European Figure skating Championships who teaches sex education for children. They start at five in Switzerland. I was shocked wanting to protect the little innocents and my son! Yet they have the lowest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe I was told. The teaching was started by Christian women. Perhaps the lesson is ‘Ignorance is not bliss’ – innocence though. Where is innocence?

Maybe there’s a book in this? In Praise of Marriage?… It’s not an institution, it’s a partnership, a team, a friendship, a love in, a challenge, a fulfilment a wonder.

A very good friend of mine has a son who is a musician in the Marines. On Sunday he flew to Afghanistan to serve there. Fifty five degrees. He signed up as a musician and had machine gun training the other week. He may need it. I am close to someone whose son could catch a landmine, bullet or bomb. I wonder how I would feel should my son go to war? It brings closer the value of life somehow and the role of our military fighting for what on some rock somewhere. At least he gets the chance to go as he is alive though. Which brings me full circle.

Food for thought…. coffee time… suns up, sons still asleep at 7.10am – he must be growing…

Love Nicky

The photo – a sleepy Norwegian village Fjord we visited on a cruise at dawn.

  • tease-and-stocking

  • tease-and-denial


  • sissification

  • my-princess-goddess

  • mesmerize

  • jerkoff-instruction


  • humiliation

  • handjob


  • foot-fetish

  • female-domination

  • dirty-talk

  • cum-eating-instruction

  • chastity

  • ass-worship