SELF SABOTAGE… DISCUSS…
I am on a journey to break free. Free of my past, free of what holds me back. At 58 I have spent many years working away alone trying to ‘find purpose’ and having found it – Hallelujah – to be ‘good enough’ in that field.
I am on the cusp of Producing the fruits of my labours. As I get closer to this the ‘Stops to Action’ become more acute.
So on this journey ‘to get myself fixed’ I am in a constant enquiry of finding ‘What stops me’ and to be overcoming this. Perhaps it’s a book. Maybe that would just be for me? Or perhaps it is the song to come that will help heal someone’s heart? Or perhaps it is just a journey of a soul tying to find freedom for himself and his family and to make a positive difference in the World.
Whatever it is it is, it is very real to me!
I was learning yesterday about Self Sabotage. I am, a venture to boast, a Master at this. (I can give you proof if you so require.) I learned that the subconscious mind can be more powerful than the conscious thoughts we have. The subconscious mind can be running the show – or so was the theory stated. This is a revelation as a possibility. So I’m digging into this subject and looking at how I can break free of what holds me? It has been enquiry going on for some time now with some great people facilitating this ‘purpose’.
In the process I had a discussion with a good friend who mentioned – I think to encourage me – that she had stayed in a relationship where she was abused because, ‘At least I had a roof over my head.’ I learned that we like home and home can be where the heartache is. That is the feeling we are comfortable with. I realise that this is a feeling I know as home. This is not a great insight to have… Churchill called it his Black Dog. Black and heavy it is.
Last week I had a major downer about having sold our place in Brighton looking over the sea and now to be moving to a small town in Canada. I am out of the booming property market, have lost money, have lost my home and will end up in some little suburban street in town anywhere my story. And I don’t want to go. Woe is me. It occurred to me that I was going to Canada to die. How dramatic and yet – in my mind and soul – reality. I was being sabotaged as I neared production of the goal of making music and film I have invested so much energy and time in over the years. I was feeling in a bit of a pickle. So…
In the space of being on the edge… I determined, if nothing else, to bring a song from these feelings. I WANT TO FIND HOME has come from this. The story of a man who had it all and then snapped, left home, could never go back yet – in his mind – found home. I can relate to how people run away and we see people on our streets that were upright citizens who for one reason or another fall. I have always been able relate to this – the pain is my home – I am learning. A thing to break quite obviously and yet a revelation that opens a door to dealing with it. I WANT TO FIND HOME – as a distraction has come to be and will be on Album one. Good out of the darkness.
When I am embroiled in thought on a subject it sparks creativity. I am always embroiled in something and am therefore always writing. I wrote two lyrics LETTING GO and HOME IS WHERE THE HEARTACHE IS yesterday and today and add one I wrote the other week SECOND CHANCES. Today has been developing and honing these.
In the midst of my ‘mental battlefield’ and as a step in the direction of ‘being free’ I share these with you. I’m not confident enough to open the comments box to the naysayers and trolls yet. Perhaps I never will be – the hardshell needed to cope with the faceless nastiness of the online world a force I need to have armour on to face.
But perhaps you know someone who is hurting and facing a battle to break free? Perhaps by sharing that someone else is also battling may be somehow encouraging? I think its about Letting Go and Letting Love play a great part in what’s next. So I’m in this enquiry of breaking my scripts and deep held responses and to be looking forward – rather than back – to speak possibility rather than lack.
My goal is to inspire and encourage as Entertainer. My subconscious tells me I will look stupid and I should hide away. I have obeyed so many times this prompt. So today, purposefully, I am not hiding away, I am sharing with you something of the journey I am on.
And, for the record these are lyrics that encompasses part my story, part others stories and sometimes just a story. As I said to my eight year old son Tiger – often times Daddy sings something that is not about us… So please don’t take it too heart.
In so many ways this is MUSIC THERAPY yet only I WANT TO FIND HOME has music attached as yet.
Being stuck in a cycle of dependency is a dreadful thing. Loosing it and ending up on the streets likewise. These lyrics deal wit these themes. They also deal with the positive aspects of winning the personal battle that to many may seem ridiculous but to those that know will have resonance perhaps.
I have a screensaver of three children jumping off a jetty into the lake as the sun sets. I am going to a beautiful holiday place bustling with artists and entrepreneurs. A beautiful lake and ski-ing fifty minutes away by car. As a place to write, compose and life it’s alright. As a place for my son to grow up in it;s great and my wife loves Canada. So all in all it’s not that bad really!!!
Thank you for reading.